This may come as a surprise, but the first, and very best tip for finding your orgasm, is to forget about your orgasm completely. Our brain is our biggest erogenous zone, and when we focus too much on orgasm as a goal, our orgasm runs out the door. It doesn’t want to be seen! It doesn’t want to be found! So what we must actually hone in on is, our pleasure.

When clients come to see me for anorgasmia, or the inability to orgasm, I always bring up that we should replace the word “orgasm” with pleasure. If you are focusing on your pleasure, orgasm is more likely to come naturally. We should not put any more pressure on it.

So I often ask, “Where is the pressure to orgasm coming from?” Is it porn? Your partner? Society? Cultural expectations? Spend some time reflecting on the root of your search for orgasm- it may seem silly, but this in itself is very helpful on your pleasure journey.

If your answer is something like “I just want to be normal,” you may be holding yourself to too high expectations, which again will push your orgasm farther away. And you can rest assured that many women are also struggling to find their orgasm and you are not alone! So take a deep breath, and let’s get into it.

Sometimes, it’s the case that you are in fact, already orgasming, but you are restricting your body and mind from really feeling the whole experience. Some women are worried they will pee, or it will be scary, or they will be shamed if they let their orgasm free. So they feel a build, some kind of short release, but it is not “fireworks.”

Well, orgasm 101, not all orgasms will be fireworks! They are all different. And the female orgasm requires that we feel relaxed, safe, aroused, and anatomically aware.

First things first, what is an orgasm? This answer varies depending on where you look for it, but here is my personal, and professional opinion: An orgasm is a moment of release, of free falling, of joy, sometimes accompanied by pelvic floor muscle contractions. Some of you may think- hmmm, I’ve already had that! Some of you may think- that’s confusing!

Both responses are valid. The truth is there is still heaps of research to be done in the field of the female orgasm and the amount of misinformation circling out there is upsetting.

You should know that any orgasm you have is valid and perfect, whether that’s with a hand, humping a pillow, using a toy, nipple stimulation, oral sex or penetrative sex. Our bodies are all organized so differently that most women have their own unique way they learn to orgasm, and it can sometimes be challenging to learn to find an orgasm through other methods. This is because our brain begins to connect certain forms of stimulation with orgasm more than other kinds of stimulation. So if you most often cum by masturbating using your hand a certain way, it will be harder for your brain to recognize a partner’s tongue as a path to orgasm.

But also, the more orgasms we have, the easier it is for our body to trigger more. Orgasms bring more orgasms; So masturbating is always a good idea.One trick to induce orgasm is, when you feel that you are getting close practice a squeezing and

tightening, and then releasing of your pelvic floor muscles. When we orgasm, often our pelvic floor muscles contract, so contracting your pelvic floor muscles can perhaps trick your brain into inducing on an orgasm.

So inhale and squeeze your butt cheeks, imagine you are holding in pee and pulling up on your pelvic floor muscles, then exhale and release all that tension. Do this rapidly when you are at a peak of pleasure and see what happens! If you do have an orgasm, it should help it to be more intense and spread throughout your whole body in waves. More of that firework action if you know what I mean!

Also really important in finding your orgasm is, pay attention to your setting! Our setting and surroundings are essential in our ability to relax. How is your mood? How is your energy? How is the space you are in? Would you feel better if no one was home? With some music on? Candles lit? If you picked up the clothes off of your floor? Our mind and body must be relaxed for an orgasm to make an appearance- most of the time anyway. Then, as you are masturbating, instead of thinking, “Am I close? Is my orgasm coming?” Think thoughts along the line of, “What feels good in my body right now? What is working? What is not working? What do I want more of? What should I remember to ask a partner for?” Track your pleasure, not your orgasmic process, and an orgasm just make might an appearance sooner than you think.

Clarke Rose is a California based but internationally influenced Sex and Pleasure Coach. With a degree in gender & sexuality from Paris, and experience in a psycho-sexual therapy clinic based in Melbourne, she offers a unique look into sexuality all around the world. 

photo by: czulanaswiatlo