My Husband Doesn’t Want Sex Anymore — How to Talk About Sex in Marriage – OSUGA

You've probably Googled this at 1AM after he turned you down again:

"Why doesn't my husband want sex?"

You’re not the only one — and you’re not overreacting. Marriage feels safe. Familiar. Solid. You love your partner, you’re best friends… but behind closed doors, something's missing.

You're always the one initiating.

He doesn’t seem interested.

And it hurts — because you don’t just want sex, you want to feel wanted.

Let’s make one thing clear: Physical intimacy matters. It’s not shallow, needy, or desperate to want it — it’s human. It doesn’t necessarily mean he doesn’t love you. but it is a sign that something’s asking for your attention.

Why Physical Intimacy Fades

Before you jump to conclusions like “He doesn’t love me” or “I’m not attractive anymore,” take a breath. Fluctuations in sexual desire, especially in long-term relationships, are extremely common. In fact, the most common reasons are deeply human — and can happen even in marriages that seem perfectly fine on the outside.

Let’s break them down:

Unmanaged Stress or Anxiety

The longer you’re together, the more life piles on — kids, careers, aging parents, bills, family responsibilities. Life doesn’t slow down after marriage. If anything, it gets heavier. Stress is one of the biggest libido killers, especially for men, who often don’t express stress verbally but internalize it physically. When someone’s in survival mode, desire is the first thing to shut off.

Emotional or Mental Exhaustion

In a relationship, the state of "no quarrels, but not being that close" is actually quite common. Long-term couples often fall into functional roles — parent, roommate, teammate — and forget how to be lovers. When every night ends with you both drained, touch becomes a luxury. When emotions are stuck, people will subconsciously avoid physical contact because that would "activate" something they don't want to face.

In a long-term relationship, the state of no quarrels, but not being that close is actually quite common.

Low Self-Esteem or Not Feeling Sexy

Even in a committed relationship, self-worth fluctuates. Body changes, aging, postpartum recovery, sexual performance worries — these can all erode sexual confidence.

Especially for men, performance anxiety can quietly turn into avoidance.
For women, it's often body image and the mental load: “I just don’t feel like myself.” "I’m not sexy anymore."

Physical or Hormonal Changes

Testosterone naturally drops in men over time. Medications (especially SSRIs), chronic pain, fatigue, or menopause can all reduce the desire or comfort for physical touch.

Feeling “Off” Emotionally — Without Knowing Why

Sometimes your partner doesn’t even know what’s wrong. They may feel numb, stuck, or overwhelmed. And in that emotional fog, initiating sex — or even responding to it — feels impossible.

They’re not always a problem. It’s how you respond to them that matters. But they won’t fix themselves either. If not discussed or dealt with, they will gradually erode intimacy.

📌 Red Flag?

If you’ve brought it up calmly and kindly — more than once — and he shuts down, avoids, or refuses to engage… it may no longer be just about sex. That’s emotional disconnection. And it needs to be addressed directly.

Try to Say Something — But Not Just Anything

Let’s get practical. The worst thing you can do? Say nothing, and just wait. You need a real conversation — one that’s honest, not hostile. Express your feelings, needs and wants and desires in a kind and loving way.

🗣️ Try starting with this:

“Lately I’ve felt like we’ve been physically distant, and it’s made me feel emotionally disconnected too. This part of our relationship really matters to me. Are you feeling stressed? Or has something changed for you physically? I’m not blaming you — I just want us to talk about it, together. I want to feel close to you.”

Or, simply:

“I’ve been feeling a bit lonely lately. When we don’t touch as much, it’s hard for me to feel connected.”

You can also say:

“Touch and sex help me feel close to you. It’s not just about the physical — it’s about us. Can we figure out what’s going on together?”

Why it works:

Create an opening, not an interrogation
You make it about connection, not just sex
No accusation, no anxiety, giving space, not pressure
Use “I feel” or “I need” to express your needs, not to assign blame.
Listen to the other person's thoughts and feelings, he may be holding back for reasons he hasn’t shared yet.
Communication is vital for a strong, trusting and lasting relationship.

4. Still Feeling Helplessness? Start Outside the Bedroom

Especially for men under stress or in burnout mode, sex can feel like one more task. Instead of going straight to “let’s have more sex,” try rebuilding connection with low-pressure physical intimacy.

Try these:

Cuddle before falling asleep — even for just 5 minutes
Hug for 20 seconds — it actually releases oxytocin, the bonding hormone

You can also be done in daily life:

Hug, hold hands, or offer touch more often during the day
Set up one date day every week that’s just for the two of you
Explore what kind of touch he enjoys — and try something new together

💡 According to neuropsychology research, non-sexual physical touch can “reignite feelings of closeness and eroticism over time.”

Just don’t treat intimacy like another chore. Let it unfold naturally — no pressure, no deadlines.

When Is It Time to Let Go?

You’ve talked. You’ve tried.

You’ve initiated the hard conversations, made the gentle touches, opened your heart — again and again.

But nothing’s changed. Or worse: you feel more alone now than when you started.

Ask yourself:

Has he made any effort to meet me halfway?
Does he dismiss or ignore my needs when I share them?
Have I been initiating for months, with nothing in return?

If so, this might not be a libido mismatch — it could be a deeper relationship disconnect.

Love requires effort, yes — but it should come from both sides. If you're the only one reaching, holding, carrying... that’s not connection. That’s survival.

You can try counseling — individually or together. Or you can calmly express your boundary:

“I need to feel emotionally and physically connected in this relationship. If that’s not something we can work on together, I don’t know if this will keep feeling like a partnership.”

If you feel that all your efforts are just to "please" without getting any feedback - you also have the right to set a bottom line for yourself.

Letting go doesn’t mean you didn’t love enough. It means you finally loved yourself enough to stop begging for scraps of intimacy.

Intimacy Doesn’t Mean Sex — But Sex Does Matter

Sex isn’t everything in a relationship. But it’s not nothing, either. Wanting more physical connection is not selfish — it’s a valid emotional and relational need. You deserve to feel wanted, loved, and touched — not just in words, but in action.

Physical intimacy isn’t one-sided effort. It’s something both people need to nurture — with presence, curiosity, and care. Marriage doesn’t guarantee closeness. But honest conversation, intentional touch, and shared effort can absolutely bring it back.

You're not alone in this. And if you're reading this — it means you're ready to reconnect.