Why do men come so much easier than women? So many factors are at play here,
including biology. The truth is, men orgasm for a biological purpose- to ejaculate and
send sperm into the vagina to make a baby. Biologically speaking, there is no necessity for women to orgasm. This leads researchers like Emily Nagoski to refer to orgasm for women as a “fantastic biological bonus.” This is because we are all made up of the same parts, they just get organized differently in females and males. So women can technically orgasm, because men can. However there are other psychological and social factors as well.
When it comes to casual sex scenarios and orgasms, men typically have less to lose
and potentially more to gain. Their arousal process is generally universally
understood, they will probably orgasm, and they won't be shamed afterwards by
society, but more likely celebrated for their "conquest".
Women on the other hand, will probably not have their arousal process understood,
and they may not feel comfortable enough to explain it if they have even been educated on it themselves, (or maybe they understand it but feel their partner won't be receptive based on past experiences), they most likely will not orgasm from a one night stand, and they may be shamed after by the person they slept with, their friends, or even their family.
Do I think this is always the case? No! Of course there are some women out there
orgasming from a one night stand or with various partners.
Then we have the arousal process of the vulva. For the vulva and vagina to reach their full erection and be ready for arousal, this process takes about 20-40 minutes. After decent outercourse, our vestibular bulbs, urethral and perineal sponge are puffed
up and engorged and the vagina is ready for penetration. But we are not taught about
this. Instead a lot of women and people with vulvas settle for boring penetration and no orgasm!
Current research shows that only 30% of women / vulva owners orgasm from
penetration, and in that number, a large percent is from clitoral stimulation. (and yes-this statistic is in regards to heterosexual sex)Nonetheless, some people want to orgasm from penetration, whether it is to experience orgasming with their partner inside of them, or just to expand their orgasmic ability in general- and those are valid reasons!
The best and easiest way to have an orgasm from penetration is to directly rub your clit, or have your partner rub your clit, while they are penetrating you/an
object is inside of you. If you have a clitgasm, you will feel it internally because of the internal stimulation that is going on at the same time. The other thing that might happen, is the arousal to your clitoris will stem a vaginal orgasm/g-spot orgasm, and you may feel a different kind of orgasm happening! (not better or worse-just different-vaginal orgasms are not the holy grail of orgasms like we have been told our whole lives-there is no orgasm hierarchy!)
Similarly, instead of direct touch you could use a toy on your clit and/or your
partner could use a toy on your clit while you are being penetrated. I have found
that this can also be really exciting for the partner because they can feel the vibrations! I suggest getting something that is easy for you or your partner to hold while the
penetration is happening! The Cuddly Bird works great for this as you can get a firm grip on it.
Another *possible* way to come from penetration is to get LOTS of foreplay
before moving to the penetration. And I mean lots. Anywhere from 30 minutes to
an hour or more! This will properly allow the inside of your vagina to get HYPER
sensitive to stimulation, and also allow your internal clitoral structure to get puffed up
and engorged, pushing against your vaginal walls. Your urethra sponge would also be
erect, pushing up against the front wall of your vagina. To increase your chances, be in a position where your clitoris is still being touched during penetration. For most vulva owners being on top with their partner propped up a bit is really good for this!
The last technique I will share, is during penetration, your partner occasionally
pausing and going down on you in between! This allows your clitoris to get a lot of
stimulation, and also somewhat teases your vagina a bit, making you mentally and
physically want the penetration more! Which leads to all around excitement and a lot of stimulation.
I want to add that the best way to find your internal orgasm is either with fingering, or a g-spot toy. So it can also be really helpful to first find your orgasm with those methods and then move on to the four I shared above. The G-Spa is perfect for finding that internal orgasm.
And I also want to stress that orgasm is not, and should never be the GOAL of sex. But I can also understand that a lot of people want to experience it/feel pressure to
experience it/or just feel like they need to try! But if you are feeling pleasure during sex you are already winning.
Clarke Rose is a California based but internationally influenced Sex and Pleasure Coach. With a degree in gender & sexuality from Paris, and experience in a psycho-sexual therapy clinic based in Melbourne, she offers a unique look into sexuality all around the world.
photo by: czulanaswiatlo