If there is something we have all had heaps of in the last year and a half- it’s alone time, which has made my job, as a Sex and Pleasure Coach, extremely interesting. All of a sudden, we had time on our hands. All of our schedules were called off, plans canceled, borders closed and we were faced with something many of us struggle with: being on our own.
Many horrible things have come from this pandemic, but many positives have come from it as well. One of them being that people began to invest in their self care and self pleasure routines. Masturbation is a completely normal, healthy way for us to explore our desires, bring ourselves pleasure, relieve stress, and learn more about our bodies. However, many of us feel shame around this innocent activity due to sex negative cultural, societal and religious messaging.
We are forced to analyze and question the negative sexual scripts we have been given and decide if we actually believe in them or not. Then, we can plant new and more sex-positive messaging in our minds instead. These new messages can be anything from: Masturbation is normal and healthy to I am a sex goddess exploring my body unapologetically.
If you have ever struggled with shame around masturbation I suggest writing out some coping statements (statements made to help us heal or recover from something) and try reading them once a day, or maybe just before or after you self-pleasure. Some examples of coping statements include: I am a sex goddess even if I don’t feel like it yet or Touching and exploring my body is completely fine or I choose to release the sex negative messages I received when I was younger or Sexual liberation is a journey, not a destination.
Once you feel you are in a good sexual mindset, you can enjoy playing with yourself guilt free! As you should! However, if you still feel bogged down by sexual fear and shame, you are not alone, perhaps you need some one-on-one coaching or therapy to help you unpack exactly what is holding you back.
Now where to begin: This is important- there is no ONE way to masturbate. Clients often come to me super embarrassed or concerned about the way that they self-pleasure.
They are under the impression that there is one “right way” to masturbate because of what we see in film, TV, media and mainstream pornography. Please hear me when I say this, these avenues and especially mainstream pornography are extremely limiting when it comes to authentic depictions of sex and sexuality. Luckily now some of these narratives are changing and more and more feminist, ethical porn is being created that showcases more of an expansive, and inclusive gaze.
When my clients finally muster out their masturbation method I reply to them with something like, “That sounds so cool! I wish I could do it like that!” Most of us have our one way that we have been using since we were little, but a lot of us have no idea how to start, and this is where toys can come in as an incredible masturbation tool.
It can be very helpful to find your first orgasm with a toy, and toys are a beautiful way to explore your body and find out what makes you tick. One of my favorite kind of toys to use, and recommend to my clients, are suction toys. They are fantastic because they provide direct and indirect stimulation to the clitoris. This allows all the clitoral nerve endings to become activated, as opposed to just one concentrated area like when using a vibrating bullet toy, and also trains your brain to respond to a wider range of stimulation. This ultimately helps expand your orgasmic ability and makes it easier for you to orgasm when you are with a partner.
The Cuddly Bird is the ideal toy in my opinion because it combines pleasure with sensuality. The toy invites you to invest in your self pleasure routine- with its little cage the toy quickly transforms into a potential art piece for your house or room, a symbol of self love and pleasure. When it’s charging, a cozy little light comes on, illuminating the cuddly bird in all its cuteness. I love this whole design because it encourages you to take your time. The G-spa offers the same sleek style, with the perfect edge to begin to play with g-spot exploration and arousal. You need hard toys, like the g-spa to potentially find your g-spot orgasm.
So how often should we be self-pleasuring? As often as you want! It will bring you nothing but joy, sexual confidence and stress relief. Sometimes orgasms can even relieve cramps, headaches and general body pain. Also, the more orgasms you give yourself, the easier it becomes to have partnered orgasms as well. So there is really no reason to not invest in your self pleasure! Get to it!
Clarke Rose is a California based but internationally influenced Sex and Pleasure Coach. With a degree in gender & sexuality from Paris, and experience in a psycho-sexual therapy clinic based in Melbourne, she offers a unique look into sexuality all around the world.
photo by: czulanaswiatlo