Many couples, even after being together for an average of 14 years, keep their sexual likes and dislikes to themselves, according to a study done by Sheila MacNeil and Sandra Byers. Fourteen years is a long time to deal with a sexual behavior from your partner that you hate!
They find it uncomfortable to speak to their long-term partners about sex so, imagine how difficult can be when starting a new relationship, having a one-night stand, or a friends with benefits situation. Regardless of your gender, you might find yourself uncomfortable voicing your sexual needs to your partner but women in particular face a unique sort of sexual shame.
The University of Guelph found that young women were reluctant to discuss matters such as birth control and STI protection for fear of upsetting their partners. If women struggle to use sexual communication to protect themselves, it’s no surprise that they struggle to speak up about their sexual likes and dislikes.
Knowing that your sex life and the quality of your relationships will likely improve when you increase your level of constructive sexual communication, you might be looking for a way to start speaking up in your relationships. Because we live in a pretty sex-negative world, serious discussions about sex are awkward. Have you ever noticed that acknowledging the awkwardness of a situation makes the situation slightly more comfortable?
- Try starting the conversation with an acknowledgment of the discomfort if that’s how you feel
- Thank your partner and tell them how much it means to you and perhaps that there’s been something on your mind.
- Establishing your sex life as an important topic of discussion is an excellent place to start
- Make sure you know what your sexual needs actually are before trying to communicate them to your partner
Listening during a conversation about sex is important but sharing is too as it creates intimacy. Sex can be a touchy subject. While you should always feel free to express your needs openly, being mindful of your partner’s feelings will make the conversation much more constructive and less likely to end in a conflict.
Approaching the topic of discussion with compassion and understanding will get you a lot further than placing blame or getting angry which can be tempting when you’re feeling frustrated about unmet needs. Here are a few things to remember when you’re providing information about what might be lacking in your sex life.
Accentuate the Positive
Think of a time when you and your partner had amazing sex. Let them know just how much you enjoyed that and why. This keeps the tone positive and it enables you to point out what you like which might help you get your needs met.
Take Communication into the Bedroom
Talking to your partner about your sexual needs can also be done during a passionate moment and it can really spice things up. Especially if you’re exploring a new partner, speaking up during sex can enhance the experience significantly. After all, no one can read minds.
Keeping the Lines of Communication Open
As you continue to practice open communication with your sexual partners about your needs, you’ll find that you’ll start to feel more comfortable. You’ll realize just how normal it is to talk about something so intrinsically linked with living a happy, healthy life. To keep positive communication patterns open, encourage feedback from your partner, respect your partner's confidentiality, and be direct about what you need. Expect the same level of respect and consideration from partners. You deserve it.
You also deserve to have a great time when your partner isn’t around. That’s where Osuga will come to the rescue. As discussed, the right toy can help you get in touch with what you actually want from your sexual experiences and make it easier to communicate this with your partners. Are you a Moonflow, Cuddly Bird, or G-Spa kind of girl? Take a look at all three to find out!
Freelance wellness writer in London Ontario with a love of learning.Tosin uses the knowledge which she collects in everyday life and thorough research to support her unique ideas.