How can I be great in bed? is a question I receive all the time. It seems the pressure to be great in bed is one that kicks in at a relatively young age. By the time we go through puberty and start developing sexually, we have been exposed to hundreds of magazines and advertisements with huge article titles like “10 ways to blow his mind” or “Best sex positions to drive him crazy.” I challenge you this- What do you want in bed? What do you like? What will really turn you on?
The first way to be great in bed, in my opinion, is to know what you like. This involves working on your sexual liberation and confidence. How do you feel about sex? Did you have a sex-positive, negative or neutral upbringing? How have your feelings about sex evolved throughout the years? What is some of the best sex you have ever had? Have you had it yet?How was your first time? What support did you have after your first sexual experience?
Perhaps you need to work through some entrenched sex negativity, or even some body image issues. Feeling confident, or at least neutral in your body, is a big component of sexual confidence. When do you feel the best in your body? What parts of your body challenge you? Why do those parts challenge you? Are those societies’ judgements or your own? Working towards a love, or even a neutrality, of your body will help you feel empowered during sexual experiences, and this is definitely one of the aspects that makes you great in bed.
The second way to be great in bed, is to get over the idea that there is only one way to begreat in bed. Mainstream pornogaprhy and even film and tv introduce us to very limiting sexual scripts of what “good sex” looks like. The truth is, “good sex” is subjective, and different for everyone. This is easier said than done, but Stop comparing yourself to people in porn, or even to your friend’s sex lives.
Start thinking authentically about how you, and your partner(s) like to have sex.
When it comes to really figuring out what you like, this can also be a challenge! The question, “What do you like?” often leaves people paralyzed and not knowing how to answer, and this causes them to feel even less sexually confident. One of the best ways to learn is by trial and error, experimenting with one or more partners. In addition to this, there are places you can go to learn new things you might want to try. Websites like OmgYes, offer a plethora of ways for women to masturbate or stimulate themselves, and even advice on how to direct a partner in those techniques. Mainstream ethical pornsites like Erika Lust, Else Cinema or Bellesa offer films featuring a variety of body sizes, sexual identities, races, and kinks. Subscribing to the OnlyFans of someone you admire or support or are turned on by, can also help you figure out what you like. Applications like Dipsea, that offer audio porn are also fantastic for imagining yourself in new and exciting scenarios that you may want to try.
So, to be great in bed, for yourself, involves body confidence, an expansion of what it actually means to be good in bed, and then figuring out some things that you like. When it comes to being great in bed for the person you are sleeping with, there is one main secret.
The best way to be great in bed for your partner is to ask them the following question: What do you like, and how can I best pleasure you?
So many people forgo this simple question, thinking they must inherently know what to do, or that they should have some kind of sexual performance planned and choreographed.
This is the opposite of what makes you great in bed -holding onto the idea that your current partner will like the same tricks that you used on your lastpartner, or that they want you to emulate what you have seen in porn... Every person and everybody will be different, so you will actually do your partner a disservice by not checking in with them, asking how they like to be touched and pleasured. This question, because it is rare, can also be very arousing for your partners. They will be taken aback that you have cared to ask, andthat their authentic pleasure is a genuine priority for you. Continue to check in as the sexy experience starts: Do you like this? How is my speed? Should I use more tongue? Less tongue?How are you feeling? Can I also touch this spot? Is there anything else I could be doing to reallyget you there?
When the experience is over, do not be afraid to talk about it! Ask you partner what they loved, and what really got them off. Tell them what you enjoyed. Revel in the sexy hot mess you just made together and I swear, you will have been great in bed.
Clarke Rose is a California based but internationally influenced Sex and Pleasure Coach. With a degree in gender & sexuality from Paris, and experience in a psycho-sexual therapy clinic based in Melbourne, she offers a unique look into sexuality all around the world.